my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
