Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
