I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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