wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize