I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
