I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
