worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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