I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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