am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
