I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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