Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
