I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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