Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
