I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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