Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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