I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
