sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
