i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
