If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
