I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
