Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
