The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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