So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
