i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
