I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
