Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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