I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize