you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize