would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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