One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
