I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
