Your face is a jimmy john
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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