i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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