if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
