I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
