So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
