do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
