just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
