i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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