Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
