the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
