I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
