Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
