He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
