dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
