I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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