I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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