I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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