it was like eating out sand paper
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
