I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize