I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
