The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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