oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
