just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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