apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
