I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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