I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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