hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
