Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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