oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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