I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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